AFTER 10 years with my boyfriend, my head is in a spin. For what seems like much of the last year, we have been talking about our relationship, going round and round. On top of this, I have been dealing with a lot in my family life (my grandfather has cancer) and some of the anger and frustration over this has been directed at him. For example, I have to repeatedly ask him to help with things around the flat and, on a few occasions, I admit I have lost my temper and shouted when he hasn’t done it. After one such argument two months ago, he broke down and said that he wanted to leave. He felt that we no longer connected in the same way and that he’d been falling out of love with me for some time.
I asked if he’d been seeing someone else and he said no, but he had been chatting with someone online who seemed to understand what he was going through.
His mentor died a while back and a counsellor advised him that he was probably still grieving, and it was this that was making him feel so low and unhappy. So low that he often thought about harming himself.
Anyway, he wanted some space to think, so moved into our spare room. By day three, he was feeling better about things and wanted to try to fix our relationship, so we shared a bed that night and made love, at his instigation. The following day, he was back to being upset and confused, so we separated again for a few nights. This went on for weeks – one day he thinks he loves me, and the next he thinks he ought to leave.
Then, last month, he moved back in with his parents but called me most days to talk about what we should do. Eventually, he said he didn’t want to let me go and wanted to give our relationship one more try, so, to try and mend things, we went on holiday together, but nothing really changed. What’s more, he spent most of his time taking pictures and messaging someone on his phone when he thought I wasn’t looking.
I am so sick and tired of his up and down mood and the constant soul searching. What do I do?
GS
FIONA SAYS: I am sorry you are having a dreadful time of this, but I wonder if the reason your boyfriend is so confused is that he doesn’t know how you feel about him. Your letter to me was very long, and at no point in it did you describe how you really feel about him.
The only feelings you express about him are anger when he doesn’t do his share of the housework and frustration at the state of your relationship. So, how do you feel about him? Do you love him? And if you do, have you told him this? If the only feedback he gets from you in this relationship is anger and frustration, is it any wonder that he’s unsure about how he feels?
Alternatively, if you don’t love him, why are you still together? Why put yourselves through this emotional turmoil unnecessarily? You both need someone to help you clarify your feelings about each other, and a Relate counsellor (relate.org.uk) would be a good place to start. You could do this as a couple or individually.
It may be that one or both of you decides there isn’t any real love in this relationship, in which case, you will no doubt part.
It’s possible this will be emotionally difficult, but surely this can be no worse than the painful limbo you’re stuck in now.
MY HUSBAND’S CHILDREN ARE MEAN TO ME
MY new husband’s two children from his first marriage are driving me spare. I love him very much but, if I’d known his children were going to be this difficult, I might have reconsidered. It’s his daughter who’s the worst, she’s only 15, but already every bit as spiteful as her mother. When she and her brother come to stay with us, she hardly says a word to me. On top of that, she’ll do all she can to try and exclude me from things, even down to only laying three sets of cutlery on the dining table. Then, when asked why only three, she’ll say, ‘Oh, sorry I forgot about you’.
The other day, we decided to go for a walk and she went to collect the coats, only to come back with three. It seems petty, but it’s like this for everything.
Her brother is slightly younger and is generally OK, but he will always take his cue from his sister and snigger with her.
I’m sure it’s their mother who is egging them on, but she really has no right to. My husband was completely divorced before I met and fell in love with him. The failure of their marriage was nothing to do with me, they just didn’t love each other anymore.
I have tried to engage with them, but nothing has worked. It’s got to the stage where I dread them coming to stay and will arrange something to do just to be away from them for a few hours. What can I do?
SJL
FIONA SAYS: It’s never easy stepping into a ready-made family, and children caught up in the process often find it a particularly difficult and confusing time. In your case, if their mother is egging them on, it’s only making matters worse. However, it’s also possible they are simply struggling to come to terms with the fact that their original family is broken, never to be repaired. They might also resent having to share their father with you.
You’re completely blameless for this, but it seems you have become the focus of their anger and confusion. This explains why they might feel as they do, but it does not excuse how they are treating you – that’s just rude and needs to stop.
What does your husband think about all of this – or have you not told him? To get through to these teenagers, I think you will need his support and input. Talk with him and explain what’s been happening and how it makes you feel. Hopefully, you can both then talk with his children and hopefully resolve some of these issues.
It’s important the children see you are a couple and that you are consistent in your relationship with them. This is especially true for disciplinary issues, which I would advise you do not handle on your own, at least not yet.
In the meantime, you may find it helpful to contact Family Lives (familylives.org.uk) which has lots of advice and information about stepfamilies. It also runs a helpline, as well as a chatline and a search facility for support groups in your area.
I MISS HIM SO MUCH
Last September “L” came to my college from Italy on a six-month course. We started going out together almost immediately and were soon spending all our time together. He extended his stay but returned home last month and I realised right away how much I love him. He’s still got two more years to go on his course in Italy, and I’ve got the same to do over here, but I miss him so much. Although we are keeping in contact, I’m afraid he’s going to meet someone else and move on from me so, as a result, my studies are suffering because I can’t concentrate for worrying. I know I can’t go on like this but what can I do?
K. R.
FIONA SAYS: USE THE HOLIDAYS TO VISIT
Whilst you may miss him, if you both love each other, your relationship will weather this – especially if you arrange to meet up during your term breaks.
Has he told you how he feels about you, though? What concerns me is that you don’t mention his feelings – if you were just a temporary fling, you certainly can’t put your life on hold in the hope he will come to love you.
If he does, however, while there is always a chance that he may meet and go out with someone else, that might help him miss you more!
Keep in touch through phone calls, social media etc, but try not to be too intense until you are sure of his feelings. If you are sure he loves you, then maybe you could look for a summer job in Italy of some kind. Not only would that get you closer, but it would also give you a chance to learn (or improve) your Italian. Speaking another language will always be useful, whatever happens to your relationship.
SHOULD I SEE MY DAD?
Since my parents divorced nine years ago, I’ve lived with my mother, and I’ve not seen my father since he left. Mum has always said he was an alcoholic and a gambler and that he slept around too, so she’s been quite happy he was out of our lives. I love my mum and I don’t want to hurt her, but I’m 15 now and I’d like the chance to find out about him for myself. I understand from an uncle that he doesn’t live far away and I would like to go and talk to him, but I’m worried mum would be upset, so I’m not sure if that would be for the best. Should I try to see him?
C. A.
FIONA SAYS: MAYBE TRY A LETTER
While I do believe you should be able to form your own opinion about your father, I would caution you to take steps to protect yourself. If he lives close by, why has he not once tried to see you over the last nine years? Did he do something so dreadful that he was restricted by court order from having anything to do with you?
Normally, in a divorce case, the courts encourage absent parents to have some kind of visiting arrangements, so I can’t help but wonder why he never has. So, my concern is that, for some reason, he may have chosen not to see you.
Your mother may not want anything to do with him, but he was the man who fathered you and was there for your early years, so there is, inevitably, some kind of connection. Perhaps you are imagining a reconciliation of some kind, but he left you and your mother and he’s shown no interest in you up to now, so I think you should be cautious.
Perhaps you could try writing to him before turning up on his doorstep and, if you have a mobile, you could give him your number and suggest he calls. If you do decide to meet up, I’d encourage you to tell your mother, because I’m sure she’s anticipated this will happen one day – so better to do it openly than behind her back.
