MY life is c**p and I can’t see any way out of it. I finally left home two years ago and after a short spell in a hostel, moved into a flat with my boyfriend. Technically, he is still married, but it was his relationship with me that led to his wife throwing him out.
We rent a grotty flat in the middle of a housing estate, where everybody seems miserable and people don’t talk to each other, and when they do it’s usually to shout or argue. Buses through this area are infrequent and, as I can’t drive, I am trapped with no one to talk to for much of the day. Even if I could drive, my boyfriend needs our car for work, so I couldn’t use it anyway.
At night, all I ever seem to do is watch rubbish TV. I’ve managed to get a part-time job at the local grocery shop, but it pays peanuts and all I do anyway is fill shelves, so I don’t even get to talk to customers much. There’s zero chance that this job is going anywhere and, as I have very few qualifications, little chance of doing something different. I really do hate the job, but I suppose I should be grateful that I have it, because so many I see around me clearly don’t work.
I have tried to tell my boyfriend how I feel about all this, but as he’s so wrapped up in his messy divorce, I don’t want to dump too much on him. There are two children involved and his wife is making it difficult for him to see them. I’m 31, lonely, and trapped in a useless life. What can I do?
HD
FIONA SAYS: When we are surrounded by problems, it can often be difficult to know where to start for the best. There’s an old saying which seems appropriate here – when eating an elephant and you’re not sure where to start, just take one bite at time. In other words, if the task in front of you seems overwhelming— break it down into smaller steps and just focus on them one at a time.
Setting aside the disgusting notion of actually eating an elephant, in a sense you’ve already taken your first bite; you’ve written to me and listed all the things that you feel are wrong with your life. Think of this as your to-do list and, as a start, select three to tackle.
First up, I’d suggest tackling your loneliness. Try getting to know some of your neighbours, you may well find that some of them are feeling equally isolated. Don’t be deterred or worried if they seem initially standoff-ish, persevere and some should respond. And if they don’t, that’s their loss. Look for community centres in your area which may offer social or volunteering opportunities, both of which will help you to meet new people.
Secondly, if you’re worried about having no career prospects, consider getting some more qualifications.
Rather than watch TV every evening, use some of this time to study or learn a new skill. Ideally, and if you can get to it, your local college will have a course that will interest you. Alternatively, look online.
Thirdly, if budget allows, why not learn to drive? Your boyfriend can’t possibly need the car 24/7. Knowing you can at least get away some of the time should help to ease your feelings of being trapped. It will also give you a sense of achievement when you pass.
Finally, if you’re still feeling down after this, it’s possible you may be depressed, so please consider chatting with your GP.
WHY WON’T MY HUSBAND RETIRE?
MY HUSBAND was made redundant at 59 from a job he’d had for over 20 years. He’d worked hard to develop the role and took it badly when he had to go. I think it dented his confidence, and it was a full two years before he recently found another job.
It’s only a caretaker job at a residential care home and he’s earning a lot less than he used to. He moans about it a lot, so I am not convinced he enjoys it that much either, but he still puts in a lot of hours.
I retired last year with a reasonable pension and really wanted him to retire too so that we could do all the things we talked about doing when we stopped working. However, he refuses to see it this way. He says he’s lucky to have this job and that he’s now too old to find anything else. I said that I am happy to support us both until his pensions kick in, but he doesn’t want to risk this as we can’t be certain that we can afford it, especially with all the recent cost of living increases.
For my part, I worry that, if something happens to one of us, we may miss the chance to do the travelling we always talked about. I want to do it now, while we still can. And I can’t help it, but I feel hurt. We’ve been married for over 30 years, so how can he put this silly job before me?
EA
FIONA SAYS: Is he really putting the job before you? Or is he putting the opportunity to continue working before struggling to live on a single pension during a time of increasing financial uncertainty? It’s also possible that, despite what he says, money is not the sole issue. For many men, the prospect of retirement is akin to being put out to pasture, no longer be needed or useful in society.
Your husband’s sense of self-worth was no doubt dented by losing his previous job, and a two-year hunt for a new one probably made this worse. Finally getting a new job must have given him some sense of relief and reassurance that he’s needed, no matter that he already complains about it. Your husband is also of an age where the prospect of effectively being a kept man may not sit well with him.
I think there is more here than a simple binary choice between his job and your happiness, so please don’t feel that he is doing this simply because he is stubborn or to upset you. Try to talk it out further with him and get to the bottom of what’s worrying him. Only then can you start to make some plans.
I suspect that whatever you decide to do is going to involve some level of compromise, or one of you is going to very unhappy. Perhaps, for now, you could simply defer the decision and look at the situation again in a year. I admit this might seems a little like simply kicking the can down the road. However, it will take away the element of confrontation for now and give you both some time to see how the new job pans out.
SCARED TO LEAVE THE HOUSE
I HATE being around people and can’t cope with any sort of social gathering. In fact, I sometimes even struggle when I am at home and someone visits. Any sort of crowded place is a nightmare for me, so I rarely travel or go shopping, most of which I am forced to do online.
On those rare occasions when I do go out, I get sweaty and anxious, convinced everyone is looking at me. Last week, I had a full-on panic attack while walking to my local pharmacy and had to run home. I wish I could do the simple things that other people take for granted, like being able to talk to someone or going for walk, but I can’t.
It’s hopeless, all I can do is feel bitter. My entire world seems to have shrunk down into what I can do from laptop and it’s depressing. What’s wrong with me?
TC
FIONA SAYS: I am sorry you are struggling with this. If you haven’t already talked to your doctor about this, please do so.
Most surgeries now operate some sort of video consultations that you can do from home. It sounds like you may have acquired an anxiety disorder – but it really is best to talk things through with a healthcare professional.
Please don’t feel hopeless – things like this can be managed and treated, typically through medication and/or cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). This is a counselling process that will teach you behavioural techniques so that you can better cope with your anxiety.
Your GP should be able to help you identify the exact problem and discuss possible treatments. You may also find it helpful to visit Anxiety UK (anxietyuk.org.uk).
WHY WON’T HE GET THE MESSAGE?
I MET a guy at a conference a few weeks back, and although at first I thought he was OK, he got too pushy towards the end. I tried to avoid him entirely for the last day, but not before we’d swapped mobile numbers and company details.
The first Monday back at the office he called me, so it was clear he hadn’t got the message. I was really short with him on the phone, hoping this would put him off, but it didn’t stop him from calling me every day that week. He’s still calling most days, sometimes through the company.
More worryingly, he has started popping in at lunch times to see if I want to go out for a drink. I’ve told him ‘no’ every time and that I’m not interested, but he’s so thick-skinned he’s still not getting the message. I’ve told reception to tell him that I not available if he comes in again, but I am sure I saw him outside when I left to go home yesterday.
Should I just be nasty to get through to him?
HI
FIONA SAYS: I am not sure that’s a good idea, as you can’t know how he is going to react. Instead, I think you should do all you can to distance yourself from him. Block his number so that no more mobile calls can get through, you could also advise your service provider that you want to block nuisance calls. Then tell your company reception so that they too can block his number and/or stop putting calls through.
Then I think you should also consider contacting your local police. Despite being told you’re not interested, he’s repeatedly visited your place of work or called you. This is just the sort of repetitive behaviour that the police might regard as harassment or stalking, an offence that is chargeable under the Protection from Harassment Act 1997.
You could also call the National Stalking Helpline on 0808 802 0300.
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
