ABOUT two months ago, my husband had a stroke. It was very frightening because it happened at night and we had to wait ages for an ambulance. When we got to A&E, it was very busy and we still had to wait to see a doctor. He did however get some clot busting drugs very quickly, and thankfully it turned out to be not too serious.
After a sleepless night, the hospital discharged him the following day with instructions to get in touch with his GP, who would manage his recovery. I can’t help but feel that this was far too soon, as my husband is not right even now. His memory is all over the place, and how he is managing to work through this, I don’t know. He repeats himself a lot and then gets angry when I point out that he’s already said something. He often leaves the house without his bag or his office keys. and I then have to run around after him.
More worryingly, I sometimes find him just standing around the house. It’s as though he’s forgotten where he was going or perhaps even where he is. When I ask him what he’s doing, he says nothing and carries on as though everything was normal. If he’s doing this at work, I dread to think what his colleagues think. I am really worried about him but when I suggest that perhaps he should contact his GP, he says he’s fine. Shouldn’t he be getting better by now? And if he won’t see his doctor, should I contact them instead?
PM
FIONA SAYS: Most people will recover from a mild stroke in about three to six months, with most improvement happening in the first three months. For some though, the recovery process can last much longer. Many will fully regain lost functions; others will carry some degree of disability for the rest of their life.
Your husband’s stroke was relatively recent and is therefore still very much in the recovery phase, so it’s important that you don’t expect too much too quickly. That said, it’s possible that he’s aware there is an ongoing problem and just doesn’t want to acknowledge it. Has he had any contact with his GP since leaving the hospital? If not, please continue to encourage him to go.
Rather than say that something is clearly wrong though, which may make him anxious, suggest that perhaps it’s time for a routine check-up. If he still won’t go then yes, I think you should speak to his GP, however there’s a limit to what the doctor may be able discuss with you about your husband. Nonetheless, explain your concerns and I am sure the doctor will be willing to help.
If at all possible, I would suggest you accompany him to his appointment, as two sets of ears are always better than one in this situation. You might also find it helpful to contact the Stroke Association (stroke.org.uk) for support and information, including a carer’s guide. The charity operates a helpline (0303 3033 100), produces publications, and has an online directory of local support groups.
MY RAGE IS OUT OF HAND
I HAVE always had a bit of a temper, but I’m worried that it might be getting worse. After an argument with my girlfriend one morning last week, I really lost it and smashed up a load of furniture, as well as breaking some windows. I can’t even be sure now what set me off. It was probably about money, and the silly thing is my outburst will probably cost more than we were arguing about.
Whatever it was, it must have really frightened her because when I came back from work, she and our one-year-old daughter were gone. She’d packed up her things and left a note saying she didn’t want to see me anymore. When I found out that she’d moved in with her sister, I called to say I was sorry and that it wouldn’t happen again. I even begged her to come back, but she just hung up at that point.
I have called daily since then but she’s blocked my number now. She’s also changed her social media status and unfriended me. I swear that I didn’t harm her or our daughter, so do you think there’s any chance that she will come back to me? Should I go to her sister’s house?
WT
FIONA SAYS: If I were replying to your girlfriend in this situation, I’d be telling her that she should not go back. The only situation in which I would advise her otherwise is if you were able to show that you are willing to change – AND that you have done something about it. Anger management issues like this are often deep-rooted and will need professional help and conscious effort to change. So, you’ve got some work to do.
First up, please arrange to see your GP and ask for a referral to a counsellor who specialises in anger management issues and/or cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT). CBT will teach you ways to think differently about situations and give you behavioural coping skills for different challenges. If your GP is unable to do this, you can self-refer to the service through the NHS Every Mind Matters portal (nhs.uk/every-mind-matters).
There is sometimes a considerable waiting list for this counselling service, and it may be several weeks before you get your first appointment. If you’re not prepared to wait for this, you will find several anger management courses on the internet, none of which I can recommend specifically so you’ll need to do some research. Alternatively, you could find a private counselling service through the BACP Therapist Directory (bacp.co.uk).
Trying to visit your girlfriend now would probably be a bad idea. You’ve let her down and scared her badly, so calling in unannounced could come across as aggressive, and that’s the last she needs. Perhaps you could write to her, explaining how you feel and that you know your behaviour was unacceptable, and say what you’re doing and planning to do to change, and what you hope the outcomes will be.
But you need to be prepared to be patient and follow through on pursuing help. You have a long way to go to rebuild trust – but it’s not impossible, although I can’t guarantee it will lead to you and her getting back together. If you don’t get proper help though, you could face the same situation again in other relationships, and your temper will blight the rest of your life.
HAS ACCIDENT AFFECTED HIS FERTILITY?
LAST year, my fiancé had a climbing accident. He was badly injured around the hip area and still walks with a slight limp. He’s been discharged from his physio rehabilitation and all seems OK. However, I am worried that the accident might have affected his ability to have children.
This is really important to me, and I am not sure that we should get married. Should I just ask him?
PL
FIONA SAYS: Are you suggesting that the only reason you’re planning to marry this man is to have children? If yes, you need to think very carefully about what’s really important to you, and then have an honest conversation with your fiancé immediately.
What if he says that he can’t have children? Are you prepared to cancel the engagement? Will you simply leave him? Does he have any idea that you think of him only in terms as a sperm donor? Because there are other ways people can have a family together. How do you think he’d react if you were infertile? I am sorry if these questions seem harsh or difficult to answer, but anything less is simply unfair on your fiancé.
SHOULD I TELL TEENAGE SON THE TRUTH?
MY FATHER-IN-LAW died a few weeks back, and I’m a bit ashamed to admit that I am not at all upset. He’s always been a bad-tempered, difficult man who took every opportunity to criticise and belittle my husband, who is a far better man and father than he ever was.
My problem is my 14-year-old son, who says he already misses his grandfather. I really don’t know how to respond to this, especially when he talks about the happy times they spent together. Should I tell him that he was a wicked old man, who made his dad’s life a misery?
DQ
FIONA SAYS: What would that really achieve? It would only confuse your son, and possibly spoil the healthy way in which he is grieving about his grandfather. It might even damage your relationship with him.
It would be better, I think, to let him keep these happy memories, and move on with your life. Then do what you can to ensure that your son has a much better relationship with his parents than your husband did with his.
If you have a problem you need help with, email Fiona by writing to help@askfiona.net for advice. All letters are treated in complete confidence and, to protect this privacy, Fiona is unable to pass on your messages to other readers. Fiona regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence.
